About me:

Hi, I’m Mickey. I’m 19, and I’ve never ever really been concerned about or hated my weight or size. Since I was about 10, I was bigger than average, and since then I’ve just gotten bigger…and bigger than average. But to me it’s never been a problem. 

At least so I thought. 

I guess, now that I think it through, it did affect me, sometimes in ways I didn’t realize. My grandma and family would constantly tell me to lose weight and take food away from me, people would constantly tell me I looked ‘fine/ok’, and since I was a little kid, people would constantly tell my mom ‘woah…she’s so… big’ like I was King Kong ready to steal them to the top of a building. Or something. 

I did a lot of dance when I was younger, ballet, jazz, contemporary, tap. I told my mom I wanted to stop because I didn’t like it.

I told myself I wanted to stop because I didn’t like it. 

I really wanted to stop because I felt big, out of place, and untalented. Same with tennis, swimming, and karate (which I later picked back up because I really loved it way too much to not do it). Small things that people would say made me feel uncomfortable. ‘You’re really good at this even though you’re so…’ or ‘Hey, you know you’re actually kind of pretty despite…’ 

My sister, who’s 5.5 years younger than me, is the complete opposite of me in a lot of ways. Mostly in one way. She’s slim. And I never thought of it as a ‘thing’ till people literally came up to me and said ‘you’re sister is SO skinny and GORGEOUS. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE RELATED!’

Oh no they didn’t, right?

Oh yes they did.

I’ve never been the shy, self-conscious type. I don’t feel sorry for myself, and I have a thick skin. The only time a weight comment hurt me was when my dad made a joke about me being too fat to be lifted by my future husband. I’m not sure why it hurt. 

But I guess, it does hurt. In small ways I don’t realize. Being made to feel different because of something I never really could control.

I never overate, or even ate a lot, and I did a lot of sports. My mom put me on diets and exercise programs often and I just kept growing and gaining weight.  I just grew up quickly and weight came with it. Ironically, I was ‘towering’ when I was 5’1 at 10, but I kind of stopped growing, and now I’m pretty short, at 5’2. 

Anyways, I didn’t have a revelation, or anything. I just started training for a marathon run at my University and it felt great. I kept working out and adding in new fitness stuff, then I drifted to tumblr and searched ‘fitness’ and in like 3 hours I was a fitblr. I guess it really inspired me, to eat clean and work out (which feels really great). I wasn’t huffing and puffing and unable to climb stairs at the start, but now I can do SUPER amazing things I never thought I could and I hope I keep improving. 

I still don’t think I’m fat.

But I really want to be fit. And healthy and awesome. 

And I guess I want to know what it feels like for people to see my for my great, fantastical self, without thinking ‘if only she weren’t chubby/fat/big/blah/whatever’ at the end. 

To look at me and just see me. 

:3