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Ouroboros 28

I will be honest the story so far doesn't compel me to continue reading. While I can admit that I am not that into romance myself unless it is brought humorous like School Rumble.

The art is a bit flat but I think keeping more detail and dimension in the backgrounds can change that. (I am not to talk about this in my own art myself so... feel free to ignore that bit of advice if you wish)

No sadly it is in the story itself where my attention slumbers.
While it is okay to not reveal everything from the bat. But to make the world breatable and alive we need info.

So she is a princess? with a mention of a Duke and no parents to herself I can only conclude there dead and the Duke is the regent until she marries. With could be soon 14 not that long ago is a margiable age for young woman.

My conclusions could be all wrong no doubt but you just don't give enough to work with.

The intro pages could have really needed information about the kingdom itself.

What is the name of the Kingdom? How is the royal family? How is the Dynasty named. What is the name of the Duke and his daughter.
That other girl.

Without names and the un personal "she's"
It makes it really hard to feel about your characters.

Especially your princess would need one. Tha Angel not that much it is clear he/it should remain a mystery for a while.

I hope I wasn't to blunt but atleast give my comment a thought. And do try to have fun doing this.

---
Ouro out

Ouroboros 03/01/2012 22:10:20   
ivy-mitsuno 7
Autor

Ouroboros ha dicho:I will be honest the story so far doesn't compel me to continue reading. While I can admit that I am not that into romance myself unless it is brought humorous like School Rumble.

The art is a bit flat but I think keeping more detail and dimension in the backgrounds can change that. (I am not to talk about this in my own art myself so... feel free to ignore that bit of advice if you wish)

No sadly it is in the story itself where my attention slumbers.
While it is okay to not reveal everything from the bat. But to make the world breatable and alive we need info.

So she is a princess? with a mention of a Duke and no parents to herself I can only conclude there dead and the Duke is the regent until she marries. With could be soon 14 not that long ago is a margiable age for young woman.

My conclusions could be all wrong no doubt but you just don't give enough to work with.

The intro pages could have really needed information about the kingdom itself.

What is the name of the Kingdom? How is the royal family? How is the Dynasty named. What is the name of the Duke and his daughter.
That other girl.

Without names and the un personal "she's"
It makes it really hard to feel about your characters.

Especially your princess would need one. Tha Angel not that much it is clear he/it should remain a mystery for a while.

I hope I wasn't to blunt but atleast give my comment a thought. And do try to have fun doing this.

---
Ouro out


You do know that I knowledge all that even before you say it right?

Things get all explained forward, I can't just jump into action just like that, I've told everyone in my DA group, things just get interested on the 3rd chapter, everything will be explained starting from there, so be patient, if you don't want to read it anymore is fine by me, I'm just doing this because filki told me to enter the contest, and I had this story so I enter

Besides it's a good way to practice, even tho my skills aren't that great without a tablet to draw in manga studio program

ivy-mitsuno 04/01/2012 16:54:10   
Ouroboros 28

ivy-mitsuno ha dicho:

You do know that I knowledge all that even before you say it right?

Things get all explained forward, I can't just jump into action just like that, I've told everyone in my DA group, things just get interested on the 3rd chapter, everything will be explained starting from there, so be patient, if you don't want to read it anymore is fine by me, I'm just doing this because filki told me to enter the contest, and I had this story so I enter

Besides it's a good way to practice, even tho my skills aren't that great without a tablet to draw in manga studio program


I am just saying that the best conversation in your story so far is with the priestress as it is stranger against stranger.

Not so much with her royal friends it sounded rude and unpersonal like adressing a stranger you just met on the street and not as it is applied known each other for years.

I know praktish makes perfect and all and everyone needs that.

But I must say this last page in dialoge is intresthing and makes you wonder what happens next.

Was replying again as you felt a bit to defensive. i just spoke my mind take it as you will.

Just keep on enjoying what you do

Ouro out

Ouroboros 06/01/2012 13:39:23   
ivy-mitsuno 7
Autor

Ouroboros ha dicho:ivy-mitsuno ha dicho:

You do know that I knowledge all that even before you say it right?

Things get all explained forward, I can't just jump into action just like that, I've told everyone in my DA group, things just get interested on the 3rd chapter, everything will be explained starting from there, so be patient, if you don't want to read it anymore is fine by me, I'm just doing this because filki told me to enter the contest, and I had this story so I enter

Besides it's a good way to practice, even tho my skills aren't that great without a tablet to draw in manga studio program


I am just saying that the best conversation in your story so far is with the priestress as it is stranger against stranger.

Not so much with her royal friends it sounded rude and unpersonal like adressing a stranger you just met on the street and not as it is applied known each other for years.

I know praktish makes perfect and all and everyone needs that.

But I must say this last page in dialoge is intresthing and makes you wonder what happens next.

Was replying again as you felt a bit to defensive. i just spoke my mind take it as you will.

Just keep on enjoying what you do

Ouro out


Her friends are rude, Mitsuki is indeed a day dreamer and fragil, I have at least 6 more pages in advance in my Deviantart, if you are intrested in reading them lemme know that I'll send you link

and sorry if I sounded rude, but I was indeed protecting my work, like most artists do

ivy-mitsuno 06/01/2012 16:24:16   
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